


The kiss that you don’t need

by Nytella



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Break Up, Editor Eren Jeager, Explicit Language, F/M, Heterosexual Relationship, Levi is Bad At Feelings (Shingeki no Kyojin), Levi is a Little Shit (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, The Author Regrets Nothing, Very angst, Writer Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), hurting and pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-05
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:48:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28573260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nytella/pseuds/Nytella
Summary: "I don't love you anymore" Levi murmured, his eyes fixed on Eren's."Maybe I never really have” he continued unperturbed, biting his lower lip with his teeth."Truth is men are not for me, I've tried." He growled, his tone drenched in frustration, stinging and suffocating.  "I’ve tried for you 'Ren, but I can't"Eren was incredulous and, hysterically laughing, said “That’s ridiculous, we had sex. Together.”“But I didn’t like it. I didn’t like you.”OrLevi breaks Eren’s heart. He doesn’t exactly try to fix it, until it may be too late.
Relationships: Levi/Eren Yeager, Mikasa Ackerman/Eren Yeager
Comments: 9
Kudos: 78





	The kiss that you don’t need

**Author's Note:**

> This story was inspired by the song “The cut that always bleeds”. I suggest you listening to that while reading!

"I don't love you anymore" Levi murmured, his eyes fixed on Eren's.  
"Maybe I never really have” he continued unperturbed, biting his lower lip with his teeth, waiting impatiently for an answer.  
Eren honestly had no fucking idea where those words were coming from. What an absolutely adorable line, he thought bitterly. He felt his head suddenly getting heavy, his eyes burning and his throat tightening. He briefly thought about his latest actions, not understanding at all what he might have done wrong. With a dazed look he simply answered a short "What?" with little breath in his lungs.  
Levi narrowed his eyes, highly irritated by the response he had received. He gave him a cold look "There is nothing to understand, you know?" he sighed "Don't make it harder than it is... feelings do change"  
"Harder, you say?" Eren sneered sarcastically, his tone impregnated with poison “You must be fucking kidding. You really hit your head, you can’t simply say that after two entire years, Lee " "I do not love you"  
"Bullshit" he suddenly shouted "It's a bullshit, you shit"  
"Stop it, please. Stop it, brat." Levi looked exhausted now, impatient to finish the discussion as soon as possible. He stared at him carefully before uttering the words that would have set off the real end of it all. "Truth is men are not for me, I've tried." He growled, his tone drenched in frustration, stinging and suffocating.  
"I’ve tried for you 'Ren, but I can't"  
Incredulous he said hysterically laughing “That’s ridiculous, we had sex. Together.”  
“But I didn’t like it. I didn’t like you.”  
The realization hit Eren in the face like a stab. There were dry tears in the corners of his eyes, his mouth was parted, his breath blocked. It would have always hurt, he knew immediately, the wound left him by who had once been his lover. He swallowed loudly, not wanting to listen to anything else, never again. Fuck everything, fuck him for being such a gullible jerk, fuck him for being in love with the biggest undecided asshole in the entire universe and fuck him absolutely, for not having understood absolutely nothing for years. I’m such an idiot, he thought, for believing it. For believing in everything.  
Running out of words, Eren just gave Levi one last hurt look. It was their farewell, they would never see each other again, he knew it. He tasted again the silhouette of the man he had adored so much as he definitively abandoned his life.  
He didn't look back as he walked out the door, leaving behind what he thought would have been his future.  
On the outside, the snow was falling on his face alongside his tears.

___________________________________

Eren squeezed her hips in a rush of passion. He sank into her with slow but firm thrusts, mesmerized by the rhythmic flapping of her breasts. With his tongue he softly traced their contour, making her shiver. The heat continued to envelop him, the sweat beaded on his forehead. With some last thrusts he finally reached the orgasm, totally exhausted. The girl below him moaned loudly, wrapping her arms around his neck and pulling him down for a tender kiss. A moment later he slipped beside her, holding her tight.  
"I'm really worn out." Mikasa gave him a lopsided smile, content.  
"I have almost done all the work, you see!" Eren joked, elbowing her playfully.  
Mikasa glared at him before bursting into laughter.  
"Honey, I'll be late for work." she sighed surrendered "And it's all your fault, again"  
Eren bit his lip, not at all sorry. He stroked her cheek "You better hurry up then!"  
Mikasa got dressed quickly, kissing him goodbye before leaving the house with Eren's smell still lingering on her skin.  
Eren untangled himself from the dirty sheets, mentally noting down to change them later in the morning, lazily heading the shower.  
He glanced quickly at the watch, realizing he still had a couple of hours before going to the office. Being an editor had benefits sometimes, he pondered. At least when the damn writers met their freaking deadlines, he ironically remembered. His blondie author, as he liked to call him, was so behind the deadline that he had seriously considered killing him. He should have received the manuscript exactly three weeks ago. Ridiculous. He made a point to call him as first thing when he got to work.  
He was grateful, however, that he hadn't given up on everything after that accident. It would have been the biggest mistake in his life and It wasn't worth giving up on the job of his dreams just for a love disappointment. For the man of your life, his stupid brain reminded him.  
Recovering from it had been an absolute hell. And, perhaps, it might have been easier if one day he hadn't found Levi Ackerman's latest novel, “Fake Whispers of Love”, in the bookstore. Even before it was published, he had heard about the manuscript at his company, but he had had no way of understanding who the writer might have been.  
Fucking hell.  
The splendid book focused on the love story between two boys, a story based on lies and tricks. A story where the main character explored his eterosexuality, playing with the other boy’s feelings without regrets.  
After reading it, Eren had been crying for days. He had ripped thousands of pages, throwing them in the fire, pleased by watching them burn.  
He had screamed until he lost his voice. He had even tried to drown himself in the bathtub, stupid idiot. His love for him had become the subject of a famous public tale, created to be read by millions of people for entertainment. The pain had torn Eren from the inside along with the realization that he had never been anything more than a source of inspiration for a fucking awful novel. He had contemplated his image in the mirror, disgusted by his own reflection. A naive, a brat. What a ridiculous man he must have seemed because of his pure feelings for Levi. He was ashamed of everything he had said or done, but sadly he couldn't go back in time.  
At that point in his life, he had met Mikasa, his only lifeline. The girl had freed him from the black monster of depression that oppressed his chest and he had fallen in love with her. After all, the biological sex of people had never mattered to him, not really.  
He would be happy again, he could feel it.

__________________________________

The anxiety was haunting him. His sweaty palms were slippery now, but he still grabbed the small velvet box firmly, resolutely. The ring glowed under the restaurant lights, almost shining with its own light. He looked at the woman in front of him hyperventilating, moved. He was still waiting for an answer when she jumped on him and gave him an excited kiss.  
He took it as a yes.  
The wedding invitations were sent out just a month later. Mikasa couldn’t have been prouder. The date was set for the 8th of May, about six months from then.

________________________________

Eren certainly had expected to be involved in the wedding preparations, he had expected to be consulted in the choice of the florist, the cake and the wedding dress, he had also expected having to take care of the guest list, but what he hadn’t expected in the least was that the annual party of his company, organized with the aim of allowing the socialization between publishers and authors, would have been dedicated to him on the occasion of his fucking wedding. For more than obvious reasons, for the past three years Eren had dispassionately avoided the event by declining the invitation with ever-new excuses. The mere prospect of taking part and possibly having unpleasant encounters made his skin crawl, but. Fucking hell. There was no way he could escape this time. Damn his timing, he thought, and damn his marriage too!  
He stared out the window, uncertain, observing how the winter snow whitened the roofs of nearby houses, letting himself be carried away by the melancholy that this time of year aroused in him.  
Obviously surrendered, he began "Mika, what are you doing on Saturday night?"  
His girlfriend turned from the stove to look at him curiously "I thought I was seeing Hanji for a drink, why?"  
Eren hesitated for a moment, reflecting on his next words "Erwin organized the usual event ... but this year we will be the guests of honor!" he tried to smile at her uncertainly before adding "I don't think we can refuse, for real."  
Mikasa looked at him for what seemed like an eternity "Who will be there?" she murmured in bewilderment.  
Eren inhaled slowly "I have absolutely no idea."  
"Really?"  
"I swear. Trust me, I'd tell you "  
After a few seconds of reflection, MIkasa said “That’s what we’ll do. We will show up very soon at the reception so that everyone can see us being there and then, after the opening speech, we will sneak away "  
Eren sighed in relief, admiring the woman he would soon marry, blessing the day he met her. He really couldn't have asked for better. Maybe.  
"I love you, thank you."  
"I love you more" she said before going back to cooking.  
I hope you are not right, he thought.

___________________________________

In his blue suit, Eren took a deep breath, squeezing his girlfriend's hands, looking for reassurance. He walked through the entrance with feigned security, flaunting happiness to hide his nervousness. Mikasa seemed to relax after just a glass of champagne, now happy to be at a prestigious event reserved only for a select few.  
Erwin, the head of the company, having spotted them in the crowd, approached them with a brisk step. He gave the two a bright smile  
"Congratulations on your engagement, guys!" he said shaking their hand "It felt right decision to dedicate the party to the best department head we've had in years!" Erwin said beaming.  
"It wasn't necessary, really," Eren muttered placidly, hiding a great resentment in his tone.  
Erwin promptly told him to stop being modest, before offering to show Mikasa around. She looked at him uncertainly and Eren just nodded in agreement. He could do it alone.  
The night quickly fell apart.  
Eren had found himself embroiled in an intense conversation with his blondie author, Armin Arlert, when he had heard his name being called in the distance. At first his eyes focused on Historia Reiss, his youngest colleague. His gaze, however, moved swiftly to her left, where he met a pair of ice-colored eyes, as cold as the winter nights that he feared so much. Levi.  
In a moment of utter panic, he slid his glass across the floor, causing a loud din. Embarrassed, he tried to escape from that situation, taking leave of his interlocutor as quickly as possible.  
Where the fuck is Mikasa when i need her, he thought agitated.  
He hadn't realized how close the unwanted people were, until Historia had placed her palm on his arm muttering worriedly "Are you okay, Eren?"  
Eren inhaled hard, looking down at his feet."Marvelously”  
Sarcasm, Eren, the fucking sarcasm.  
He tried to calm down before adding “I'm sorry, I'm perfectly fine. I should look for Mikasa now "  
Historia stared at him doubtfully “Pay me attention just for a moment. I wanted to introduce you to Mr. Ackerman, I have been involved in all of his writings in recent years.” she exhaled proudly.  
For the first time in centuries, his gaze openly fell upon the figure he had desperately tried to erase from his mind.  
Levi, on the other hand, was wearing a polite smile accompanied by an impassive look. He hadn't changed, the usual numb.  
Worried about his dignity, or what was left of it, Eren took on the most professional expression he could find "It's a pleasure to see you again, Mr. Ackerman" he affirmed confidently.  
Levi didn't seem struck by the coldness in his voice, simply replying  
"I'm happy to see you are doing fine, Eren"  
Historia stared surprised and confused at the situation "Do you already know each other?"  
“Nothing important, I had the opportunity to meet him at a party years ago. We exchanged a few words then” Eren hastened to explain in a calm tone.  
Levi parted his lips slightly, as if to speak, but he seemed to change his mind suddenly. Historia, on the other hand, nodded understandingly. "Eren! I almost forgot. Best wishes for your engagement. I love Mikasa, you know."  
The blood seemed to freeze in his veins. He smiled broadly before thanking her softly. This time Levi seemed to lose his composure slightly, opening his eyes imperceptibly and wrinkling his nose.  
"Are you really going to get married?" he asked incredulously, on impulse. Eren, once, would have been able to read Levi and his emotions with simplicity. But that time was gone and in front of him there was only the shadow of a distant past.  
"Yes," he replied.  
Levi sucked his teeth with his lower lip, irritated.  
"Congratulations," he said apathetically.  
"Thank you very much. I didn't think I would be this happy again"  
Levi looked at him deeply before reaching out to drag him to "get him a new drink", as he had explained to Historia.  
Eren tried in vain to free himself from the stinging grip, but he soon found himself locked in a more isolated corner. Levi approached him with a glass full of clear liquid and handed it to him.  
"You still like the Gibson Martini better, don’t you?" he smiled nostalgically.  
Eren stared at him puzzled, merely nodding.  
He brought the drink to his lips, savoring the acrid taste.  
It briefly reminded him of their first night together, drunk on alcohol and sex. On love.  
"I didn't think you liked women as well" Levi said after an infinite time in a confused tone.  
"You are certainly not the only one who is allowed to" Eren replied sarcastically, trying to maintain his composure.  
"Apparently, in the end, we are more alike than you thought, Mr. Ackerman," he added.  
Levi did not speak for a few seconds before whispering "It's Levi"  
Eren didn't understand immediately, asking "What?"  
The shorter man repeated "My fucking name is Levi!"  
Eren realized the meaning of the words, and with a vengeful smile approached his ear, sighing "I don't think we're intimate enough for that."  
Levi seemed to go through a shiver before cursing nervously "What game are you fucking playing at, exactly?"  
"No game, sir."  
"Stop that"  
"Stop what?"  
" Acting like you don't know me"  
“But I don't know you. I have no idea who you really are. And I don't even care now "  
Levi, for the first time, seemed impressed.  
"I thought you loved me then" he smiled, evil  
“Did you love a stranger, by any chance? I thought you would be more considerate” Levi joked harshly.  
Eren was surprised for a moment. Then he remembered who he was facing. A liar.  
"Life goes on and, what's more, you can't choose who you love, even if that’s a bastard”  
Eren involuntarily stared at the left hand of the shorter man whose index finger was adorned with a subtle white gold band.  
It suits him, he thought bitterly.  
"In the end you found her."  
Levi raised a puzzled eyebrow. He did not understand until he followed the direction of his gaze and then, as if burned, hastily hid his hand in his pocket.  
"So it seems," he whispered slowly, uncertain.  
"Glad you understood what you were looking for"  
The harsh irony oozed from every pore of the uttered sentence, but Levi didn't seem to pay too much attention to it.  
"What do you want to hear, Eren?"  
he sighed "That I’m sorry?"  
"That would be asking too much of a person like you."  
"Fuck you"  
"I see your shitty mouth hasn't changed"  
Levi took a sip of his amber cocktail slowly. He rhythmically rocked the liquid in the glass, lost in his thoughts.  
"Who is she?" Eren finally asked.  
Levi looked at him astonished, amazed by the boy's sudden courage and brazenness and "Does it really matter?"  
“I guess not. But curiosity is killing me. What kind of woman would be able to win you over? "  
There is nothing but pain in his words, a bitter disappointment, the feeling of never having been enough for the person he loved.  
He's fucking ridiculous, he knows it, but he can't help but feeling an acute jealousy of the woman who stole the heart of the man he couldn't get to stay.  
Levi, noticing the change in atmosphere, mellowed  
“She is a good girl. She reminds me of you at the beginning of our story "  
Eren didn't want to hear more. He was tired of everything. His life didn't need any more shocks, he had to get away from his past before relapsing into it, immediately.  
“You have a shitty courage to say something like that” he murmurs in a poisonous voice “I just wish her a different ending from mine, because the suffering isn't worth it. You are not worth it. "  
Having said that, Eren turned to leave, but in retrospect he added "I hope your book has sold well, it was great to know that I was exploited by you and laughed at for two years, thank you."  
He didn't even give him time to answer.

Mikasa, that same evening, had consoled him by making love with him sweetly. He never thought he would see him again in her life. He didn't want to. But fate had his perverse and mean plans. It would soon shoot his arrow, straight to the heart.  
He thought he was finally free, he had believed it so desperately.  
But not even his dreams were free from that man’s figure, which now seemed to dance undeterred in his head, with determined and noisy steps. It wa painful.  
He dreamed of their first kiss, an envelope of uncertainty. They kissed as if they were sharing a secret, with fear and attention. They discovered one piece of each other at a time, with their tongues intertwining, making acquainted.  
Their hands moved everywhere, aiming on discovering a new world, tracing its rocky outlines and pools of water with their fingertips. It had been more than just attraction, theirs. It had been burning electricity, meant for one person only, forever.  
He had woken up crying silently, his chest tightened in a grip of regret. He never wanted to see him again and awaken sleeping feelings.  
It had been a fiction. What a deceptively beautiful world he had rediscovered in Levi’s arms. Too bad it was so inhospitable and uninhabitable, at least for him. What wickedness, he thought with shortness of breath and muddy eyes

___________________________________

The wedding was a few days away, about ten, according to the calendar.  
In the last period he had mulled over everything, assailed by an inexplicable anxiety. Mikasa kept running frantically all over the house, trying to organize everything within the deadline.  
The panic, therefore, united them, but what a pity that their reasons why were totally different, so far away.  
That night he had organized a surprise, so that they could release a bit of stress. It would have been something simple, just a romantic dinner with his future bride at the most expensive restaurant in town. He rolled his eyes, already tired. The next day, Mikasa would have gone on an all-women trip with Hanji, Ymir and Annie for an entire week. Eren had been delighted, glad to have some time alone to think quietly. He would have also met his best man, Jean, to celebrate his last days as a bachelor. Anxiety.  
He bit his lip, tortured.  
Eren looked away, in his past, when the most romantic thing he had ever done was going to a picnic under the sakura’s trees with Levi, after begging for it for a month. Eren was the happiest guy in all the world, as he said, and Levi the most irritated one. But, even so, he had decided to sit on the disgusting grass full of shit just to see him smile, to eat awful tuna sandwiches. Eren had felt cared for, loved. Levi had sulked for all day long, writing on his notebook for hours, but Eren could swear that the old man was having as much fun as him.  
As always, he must have misunderstood everything. 

Hours later he found himself driving to the "Sina & Roze Restaurant" nervously tapping the handlebars. The music of the radio filled the silence that hovered in the cockpit. Mikasa gave him a couple of worried looks, staring at him from under her dark lashes. The long silver dress kept reflecting off the dashboard, illuminated by the moonlight. "Stunning" wouldn't have been enough to describe her.  
After parking, Eren opened the door and held out his hand.  
It was raining as hell outside.  
They quickly entered the place and provided the name of their reservation  
Please, follow me, Mr and Mrs Jeager"  
Mikasa lit up with joy at the use of the surname of her boyfriend.  
Even before they reached their assigned table, Eren felt the sleeve of his midnight blue suit tug. Turning abruptly, he found the face of an astonished Levi an inch from his nose.  
Eren looked, stupidly, for a place to hide.  
There wasn’t.  
Levi took a step back. He cleared his throat a couple of times  
"Hi Eren," he said.  
“I am amazed to see you here. I remember you weren't a fan of the posh seats."  
“You don't remember well, then. Maybe I wasn't with the right company to be in the mood” Levi retorted venomously.  
Levi seemed incredibly annoyed at his own statement, even though he had no right to it.  
Arrogant, therefore, he glanced at Mikasa, extending his hand.  
"Is it a pleasure to finally meet you, Miss...?"  
"Jeager," she replied promptly, giving him a defiant look.  
Levi tried not to break down at the revelation by answering with a bitter tone  
"I bet there were a lot of people over the time who boasted that they could use that same surname."  
Eren wore a startled, utterly incredulous look.  
"What the hell do you want, Levi?”  
He asked, barely concealing his anger.  
“Now I'm Levi, huh? Nice to know that you remember me only when it suits you” he replied, gritting his teeth.  
Eren couldn't believe it. He did not understand in any way the irrational behavior of the man in front of him. What fucking right did he have to make such a scene? What he was trying to achieve with his reckless jokes, Eren just couldn't imagine. Years had passed and he had been the wounded and abandoned one. Their relationship had been a giant lie, turned into a bestseller.  
What the hell did he still want from him? Eren had nothing left to give, not even his soul.  
“What the fuck is wrong with you? Did you lose your mind? But I still remember perfectly how things went between us an-"  
"Sweetheart? What’s happening?"  
A shrill voice interrupted his free flow of words. Levi turned to look at the little green-eyed woman, giving her a tense smile.  
Eren was about to throw up, he was pretty sure of it. He tried to lean back in the chair next to him, feeling his knees weak.  
It must have been a fucking joke, in very bad taste too, because that tiny woman seemed to be the exact spitting image of him.  
Too bad she didn’t have a dick, he thought with disgust.  
However, what he actually meant, deep in his heart was “Too bad that I didn’t have a vagina.”  
Her soft hair was styled in a bun, so similar to the one Eren used to have during their summer rendezvous, when his hair was still damp from the shower.  
Her sparkling eyes were so alike to his that he seemed to be mirrored in himself for an infinite time.  
With dry mouth, he still managed to articulate a few words.  
"I bet you are Mrs. Ackerman" he whispered  
The girl glowed with happiness  
“I'm Risa, Levi’s wife. I’m so pleased to meet his friends” she cried beaming.  
Eren smirked. Friends, she says.  
Levi stared at the scene in terror, with an absent look.  
A deep embarrassment descended into the room, followed by moments of palpable tension.  
It was Mikasa who saved the day  
"The pleasure is all ours, I hope you have a nice evening"  
she concluded smoothly, before dragging Eren to their table.  
He couldn't help but one last glance at the couple, filled with resentment. He wanted to hate her so much, that impostor. He wanted to scream at her that she was just a fucking substitute and how ridiculous she was for thinking she was loved for who she really was.  
But then he realized she was a woman. She was what Levi really wanted, she was who he felt sexually attracted to. She had everything that Eren lacked, a soft breast, a sweet and tender voice, a reproductive organ compatible with her lover. She was the one that Levi could adore without any reserve.  
Not him. He was the one to pity.  
He held Mikasa in his embrace.  
Eren also held back the tears all evening.

___________________________________

Mikasa had incessantly insisted on staying home with him, but Eren, after a thousand efforts, had managed to convince her to leave for her longed-for vacation.  
She had organized it months before, she couldn't give it up.  
He found himself locked up in his apartment, with several bottles of Scotch whiskey to keep him company. He couldn't think of anything better at the moment.  
He was already in the middle of his self-pity session of the day, when an incessant knocking caught his attention. He struggled to the door, snapping it open.  
He would never have expected the sight that now appeared before his eyes.  
A clouded, red-eyed Levi, totally drunk and sweaty, was leaning against the jamb of his home’s door.  
Widening his eyes slightly, Eren tried to focus.  
"How did you find me?" he yelled in surprise, staggering backwards.  
Levi stared at him absently  
"You're too obvious, brat"  
he mumbled "You must have talked a thousand times about how much you liked this house for its view of the lake"  
"I didn't think you'd ever heard a single word of what I was babbling about, I'm impressed"  
And he really was, amazed. How could he remember such nonsense after such a long time? He didn't ask though. He didn't want to know the answer.  
“You guessed wrong, then. I listened to everything ” he barked drunk  
"Did you buy it with her?" Levi continued.  
Eren ran his tongue over his chapped lips, he needed a drink.  
"None of your business. You should go back to your wife. It is getting dark"  
"Of course it's my business, you said you wanted to live here with me!"  
Levi shouted angrily. Eren thought a slap would have surprised him less. His head was crowded with a thousand thoughts, the clarity long gone.  
"You don't know what you're talking about" he paused, "Stop screaming and get out now!"  
Levi didn't listen to a single syllable, moving to forcefully enter his ex-boyfriend's house.  
Eren let him do it without resistance. He was too tired to fight.  
Levi looked around before rushing on him. In an instant his world began to turn again. Wet lips pressed on him voraciously. Lips hungry and nostalgic. The kiss was full of teeth and saliva, their tongues struggling for supremacy. There was anger, passion, regret. There was aching pain. There was a lie.  
Eren, then, broke away furious by throwing a punch straight to Levi’s jowl. The brunet staggered, surprised and close to falling. He instinctively brought a hand to his face to soothe the injured part.  
After spitting blood on the floor, he looked at him expectantly.  
"What the fuck are you doing?" Eren growled, rubbing the palm of his aching hand. It had been violent, he recognized it.  
"What the fuck are you doing!" Levi replied  
"You still want me, I know you do."  
Eren shook his head softly. He had been the love of his life, his oxygen. But their time was up, they both knew it. The betrayal still burned too much, the wound would never heal.  
“No Levi, that's not true. Not anymore "  
"You were fucking mine, 'Ren"  
“Don't you dare call me that. Do not dare. "  
For the first time he seemed to perceive a humidity other than that of alcohol in Levi's eyes.  
"You are still my ‘Ren. This has never changed for me "  
Eren laughed bitterly. He hadn't heard that nickname for years, but he had never forgotten it.  
“You must be crazy. Seriously. "  
"Tell me I'm still your Lee"  
Eren held his breath.  
“You haven't been for too long. My Lee died two years ago, along with my memory of him "  
“You said you loved me. You said it. "  
“You too have said many things. But you will know better than anyone how easy it is to make retend. That's all you gave me, lies."  
"They weren't, they never were"  
“You lie again. I won't be a new source of inspiration for your book, go look elsewhere "  
Levi looked at him pleadingly, before falling to his knees.  
"I'm sorry. I was wrong. I wrote about us, but it wasn't us. What I felt is not in that shit novel." He sniffed.  
"I haven't grown a pussy suddenly in the last few years, you don't seem to notice it" Eren snapped out of nowhere with pure sarcasm "I'm still a man. You're still a man. I don't see how anything has changed."  
He rubbed his temples in frustration  
“I don't understand this fucking skit. What do you still want from me? "  
Levi looked at him intently from below  
“I looked for you in everything. In the waves of the sea, in the winter wind that stung my skin. In Risa’s eyes and between her legs. ”He stopped  
"I looked for you in her gestures and in her 'I love you’s’, in her voice. But it wasn't you, ‘Ren. It was never you."  
Finally Eren burst into tears, torn by pain  
“You humiliated me. You have denied me. "  
he cried in frustration.  
Levi reached out to brush off his tears.  
"I still love you. Forgive me "  
"I can't, Lee. I can't"  
"You can. You love me too, ”he pleaded anxiously  
"It is not enough".  
Eren dragged him back into a messy kiss. Their groins banged against each other. Levi prepared to pull down his suit, freeing him from the boxer. Their mud members touched after years. Their excitement filled the room with loud, obscene moans. Moistening his fingers, Levi went down on his chest, until he found the affected point between Eren's legs. Before he could begin to stretch it, he felt his wrist tug.  
"I'm not a fucking woman"  
Eren murmured in fear.  
Levi had already fucked him countless times, but it was before his unhappy "I'm not gay" remark. Now he could only feel uncomfortable, being in intimacy with someone who had disowned his body.  
Levi raised a puzzled eyebrow  
"I know very well, brat"  
“I will not be the bottom.” He paused, breathless “If you want to do it with me, I need to make sure you understand who you are having sex with."  
Levi nearly choked on his own saliva, starting to cough profusely.  
Eren, however, did not yield, his gaze fixed on him firmly.  
In the end “Okay. Fuck me. "  
And so he did, urgently. He penetrated him in a rough and angry way, intoxicated by that forbidden pleasure that he had denied himself for years.  
Levi, under him, arched his back meeting his thrusts, scratching his arms. The intercourse, for the most different reasons, lasted a few minutes. The orgasm caught Eren unprepared, freeing himself in a few long strokes in Levi's body. The latter came shortly after, with a silent scream stuck in his throat.  
Eren couldn't believe what had just happened.  
The next morning Eren packed up, leaving Levi as he slept in his own house. He hastily wrote him a note of a few words, placing it on the living room table so that it was visible.

I will be away for a while. When you leave, leave the key under the doormat.  
Don't look for me anymore.

Little did he know he was leaving a Levi close to a hysterical attack, bursting into tears behind him.

___________________________________

The wedding day had come too fast. He had not uttered a word of that night to a living soul, he had intended to take the secret to his grave.  
Nothing had changed in his life, and he was happy with that.  
Mikasa was enough. He had repeated it in his mind infinite times and would have continued until it became reality.  
In the blink of an eye he found himself walking across the aisle of his fiancée's chosen church, in his black costume adorned with a single red rose. The same flowers decorated the whole environment, making it incredibly magical and breathtaking. Spiritual, Eren, he had never been. But he did not regret having indulged her in this.  
Jean looked at him excitedly  
“I'm so happy for you, dude. You deserve it, after what you've been through "  
They hugged tightly, both moved.  
"Thank you for always being by my side," Eren whispered shyly.  
"I had to!"  
He positioned himself to the left of the altar, waiting for his bride.  
When the doors opened, however, it was Levi who crossed the nave.  
He remained standing, staring at him with an icy gaze, beneath which was hidden the purest fear. The shorter man, however, took his place at the first pews, without saying a word.  
He just looked at him, pleading. Levi was flawless, with his smartly styled hair and shaved beard. He wore what others might have interpreted as a gentle smile, but which Eren knew was just a mask to hide his desperation from him. It was ironic, he thought, to see Levi in that state. Supplicant. The roles had been reversed.  
After endless moments Levi trapped his eyes and, sure to have his attention, casually raised his left hand. The wedding ring was gone, replaced by an old ivory string.  
Eren was taken aback, in an instant.  
He felt he was going to pass out, but he pulled himself together.  
He remembered everything. He remembered that useless string he had used to roll up their sandwiches and that he had then wrapped around Levi's finger years ago, despite the latter's sheer disgust.  
He had jokingly improvised the worst marriage proposal, only to see Levi blush and vehemently refuse. Levi had sworn to throw away that horrible thing as soon as he got home and Eren had proclaimed it a symbol of their promise of union.  
The bastard had always liked playing dirty. Eren should have known that.  
Mikasa pulled him away from his thoughts. The piano had begun to play the wedding march and Levi did not take his eyes off him even for a moment.  
Time stopped.  
For a moment he really let himself indulge in the nicest thoughts ever.  
He may run, throwing all away. Throwing his current life, his job, his home, Mikasa. He could simply hold Levi’s hand and start anew.  
He may go into the unknown, but with someone who knew his heart.  
He may forget.  
But he can’t.  
His heart squeezed strongly. He still loved Levi. He knew it. Nobody could have taken his place. But he couldn't forgive him, he could never trust him again.  
So Eren said the only reasonable thing that crossed his mind. The only thing that he could consider right.  
"Yes, I do"  
And it was Mikasa's tearful eyes that Eren chose to observe. Not Levi's, just as wet, but for a totally different reason. He heard only the sound of footsteps moving away.

___________________________________

Sometimes, the memories still hurt. The panic attacks came back shortly after the ceremony and the happiness he felt was never complete.  
Yet Eren did not regret.  
He was still cold during the winter nights and the arms that wrapped him were not as strong and muscular as he would have liked. The sex was still good, even though he felt the constant emptiness.  
Yet he did not repent, no.  
He had had his happy ending, perhaps unconventional, but still one. Life was made up of constant compromises, he came to understand. He had made his choices and he was living with it well, all in all.  
So when he saw Levi Ackerman's brand new novel, he couldn't help but smile wistfully. He touched the hard cover, brushing against the pages with delicacy. The bitterness was still in the pit of his stomach and the boulder on his chest showed no sign of going away.  
But it was after a few pages that he finally stopped breathing. In italics it was printed:

"To Ren. I still have your string tied to my finger."

He smiled.  
Levi's last inscription to him.

**Author's Note:**

> Ho lovely people! I gotta start saying that English is not my first language at all and I’m aware that there may be plenty of mistakes, so please be gentle and help me out if you can. Moreover, if someone is willing to be a beta, you are more than welcome!  
> I’m a sucker for angsty story, so I tried writing one myself, it would be stunning to know what you think, don’t be shy!  
> I think the ending is quite appropriate, but tell what you would have wanted instead!  
> Thank you so much for reading, see you next!


End file.
